A parent's Journey on Gender Identity

When my oldest kid came out as transgender 15 years ago, I was in a heterosexual marriage, and I hadn't had much exposure to trans or non-binary people. I had gay friends and family, but the gender thing? I was pretty ignorant about it, tbh. But I learned and I grew, and the reason I did so was out of love, not just for my own child, but for all the other people I began to get to know in what became our 'journey' of seeking support, resources, community. I heard many stories in that time and since, from people of all ages, races, religious and cultural backgrounds, relationship and sexual orientations, economic backgrounds and positions, and education levels. The common denominator was that of seeking the space and safety to simply exist in one's true experience of self. No agenda, inclination, desire to harm others or to push oneself on individuals or institutions. Granted, we are all human beings, and every single group of people will have it's 'bad apples', because the bottom line is: human.

So yes, there are bad apples amongst trans/non binary people and queers. There are also bad apple cisgender people and hetero people. There are bad apple white people, bad apple Mexicans, bad apple Black people, bad apple blue collar workers, bad apple corporate worker, bad apple high school drop-outs and bad apple Phd candidates, bad apple Christians and bad apple atheists, and so on. I mean, all these populations contain human beings, and human beings can get up no good. Some of these groups might have higher percentages (I'm looking at you Phd candidates ;) KIDDING.... but, you know, shit goes DOWN in higher academia settings). But one thing that I know for certain after nearly 15 years of exposure on a personal and professional level is that most transgender people want to have normal lives and exist in peace

Way back then, I was definitely scared for my kid. Very scared. I felt so protective. I would walk around the city with her, shooting my mom laser eyes at anyone who stared. I was ready to kick some ass if needed. I mean, I still am, it's just that she has gone off into adult life and I'm not at her (physical) side as much like before. Even though I was afraid for her, and I recognized that there are people who might want to hurt her, I naively believed that most people would want the best for her and for our family. I REALLY did. I was a bit innocent back then, believe it or not. I especially believed that of friends, and learned the hard way that wasn't always the case. But what I never saw coming was that people like my kid would become a scapegoat for an entire political idealogy and movement, AND that people would buy the narrative being spewed. That was like, beyond my ability to even imagine. Something like that would have been more fitting for a sci fi storyline. But again, maybe I was naive?

In ordinary life settings, without political motive, I believe that many of those who have been swayed toward these idealogies could've actually gotten to know us (people like us) and perhaps even become friends. I know this because I've experienced it. Is it too late for these kinds of things to happen- where we meet one another as humans and not as political (and media) objects. Without adhering to extreme idealogies, there could be grace and space for differences. I know this, again, because I've experienced it. But see, me being queer and my kid being transgender are not in themselves extreme idealogies. But the responses to them are.........and they are very dangerous.

Back then, when I was experiencing that new version of being very afraid for her, I had no choice but to experience what was then and continues to be the biggest lesson of my life: that of loving someone and letting go. I can't really protect her. We all have to let our kids go at some point, right? But to cling to and try and control the illusion of safety is not healthy. Life happens. Things happen. But this.......insanity.....this has got to stop. It's not normal. It's hateful because there are no attempts to seek understanding, to make connections with others, to be inclusive. It's all about villifying and erasure. I will fight for her and for others. And I will keep having hope that most humans not only want the best for others, but will speak out and show up for others who face discrimination. God...... even as I type out that last part, I hear words like 'Snowflake. Libtard. Bleeding heart, and worse.' Thud! Very heavy in my chest. It's so sad that's what caring for others has come to. And I still have hope. And I'm still terrified.

Which brings me to this: I question the safety of social media anymore. I need to figure out if I will leave this platform, reduce my friend list, or what........ idk. It's all a bit much these days, isn't it.

Posted with permission by Anonymous Parent